Hard Evaluations, Conversations & Truths

I never gave a complete wrap up to my 2019 year. I could sit here and tell you it was because I was too busy or that I had nothing to report for 2019. But I think it was because I needed time to fully grasp and process and understand what I endured, how I felt, and how to put words to it so that it could help serve others walking through this life.

Throughout 2019 and into this year, I have really been evaluating my life. The content I'm consuming, the people I surround myself with, the thoughts I hold close, and have had to come to terms with not only how I am feeling, but also what truths and boundaries need to be set.

I've learned that I am in the process of grieving and rebuilding and restarting and coming to terms with all of these new changes while reminding myself to breathe. Truths have come to light that has proven they need to be worked on. Tough conversations have been had with those close to me as well as with those whose priorities no longer match up with my own.

Re-evaluating relationships and how I spend my time has come to the forefront of my mind, with more questions and concerns about my brain longevity and my road "to" recovery.

I've cried... many tears... on many nights. I've grieved the loss of people I've lost but also for my past selves that I've lost along the way. I've experienced pain and hurt and multi-tasking emotions that share the name grief. My stress levels have probably been higher than my brain function would like. I'm a workaholic- with good intentions but nevertheless a workaholic. I don't meet my water intake on certain days. And feel as though I've failed on all accounts. As a TBI survivor recovering, as a patient who didn't ask the right questions. As a daughter, a sister, a friend. As a life partner and dog owner. As a "professional" in this field...

I've had more panic attacks than I'd like to admit and didn't nearly take the time I needed to properly heal. I've gone through medical treatments and started saying no. No to medications, no to negativity, to all things toxic, and no to anything that doesn't honor him.

I started minimizing my wardrobe and closet spaces and now my material possessions. I've had good days, but mostly good days with bad memories and conflicted feelings and unclear boundaries and intentions.

So here is what I have so far:

Leaving environments that no longer serve me and saying goodbye to people who no longer hold my best intentions at heart will always be difficult. Nevertheless, something that is required to move on, to prosper, to grow. These hard evaluations and tough conversations are growing pains. Although I reflect back and think to myself how silly it was to think these things, I realize that it doesn't make those thoughts any less valid or feel any less true in those moments. It was "those" moments that were and will continue to be pivotal throughout my recovery and my life. Terrible things happen to people all the time. I am not special. My accident is not special. But this healing process is my own. My decisions do not have to be explained or validated. My life is made up of my choices and my own decisions- no one else's. My brain can be messy and a disaster and I can still be creative and successful. I am not responsible for others' actions but I am responsible for how I make them feel. This world is large and daunting sometimes. You will experience sadness and pain. You will questions everything or nothing- or everything in between. You'll want to tweak and refine and undo and unravel and unbecome... Let yourself do that because those are the things that help you "become again."

This recovery process is a marathon- not a sprint. Something I've prepared for and will be required to continue to prepare for. Ice cream is the best medicine for some nights. But nothing is more soothing than scripture and the basic understanding that no matter what happens to me, I am seen, I am worthy, I am the daughter of the one true king. I am here. I am becoming. This moment is everything. and once I could define and decide those truths, I set myself free.

Will I have more hard evaluations, and tough conversations- absolutely, and we'll do this again year after year. Will i be better equipped in the future? Yes, and that's all that I could ask for.

For those of you in this tough season- I see you and I'm with you.